Number one, commitment to your spouse, your children, your constituents and the people is not sacred.
Number two, infidelity is not serious, itís just sex.
Number three, itís OK to lie, everybody does.
Number four, all presidents have extramarital sex and lie about it.
Number five, personal morality has nothing to do with oneís fitness to lead.
Number six, your character is less important than how well some think you do your job.
Number seven, you are immune from laws and judgment as long as you are making money.
Number eight, leadership does not impose the obligation to model exemplary behavior.
Number nine, betrayal of your loved ones and betrayal of your word to others does not deserve serious punishment.
Number ten, judging another personís bad actions as bad is bad. And, for bonus points, there is no such thing as absolute truth or right and wrong. It all depends.
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided
to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy
would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01, the first
person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, was Vernon Jordan. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
Jordan said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Vernon enter.
A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head.
Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."
Enter Witch Tripp and Kenneth of Starr.
I think I got the Creep in trouble.
Eye of Newt, strap of bra,
Could it be he broke some law?
Praise this broth utmost ephemeral,
Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril!
Hark! Who trespasses so near?
Kenneth of Starr: 'Tis I, the Inquisitor. What news?
Witch Tripp: Things proceed with quickening speed, m'lord. The maiden Lewinsky, so deeply embroil'd, is now join'd by the Lady Willey in like pursuit. Daily tightens the noose around the king.
Starr: Would that it were so, but he hath good counsel, and more moves than a chess board. His public, well pleas'd with good news of the economie, doth o'erlook much.
Witch Tripp: How may I serve you next?
Starr: I have need of acts damnable and facts verifiable. Else he may elude me yet.
Witch Tripp: His dog Buddy, freshly neuter'd, may bear his master harsh reproach. He may consent to wearing a collar of our invention, to survey the king at his ease. Dogs are much accustom'd to insects. What's one more bug?
Starr: Good hag, I rely on you completely. I must away.
(Exeunt Tripp and Starr)
Scene 2. The king's antechamber
Duke of McCurry: My Lord! I needs must speak with you most urgently! The castle is assaulted on all sides!
Leer: What would I not give for an hour's peace!
McCurry: An army of reporters is settled at thy gate. They are press in name and press in deed, for they press me daily, nay, hourly for some explanation from thy lips.
Leer: Who is there among them?
McCurry: Lords Jennings, Brokaw, Rather, Geraldo of Rivera and a host of others. Methinks I spied the van from Hard Copy.
Leer: You cut me to the quick. Do they not know that I am chaste?
McCurry: They insinuate that thou hast chased too often.
Leer: Never have lies been so artfully stack'd against a pure soul.
Where is Lady Hillary?
McCurry: Her secretary doth report that she is lock'd in her bath, saying over and over, "Why can I not wash my hands of this guy?"
Leer: Oh cursed fate! I must be the most solitary mortal in all creation. Never have I betrayed m'lady's trust.
Messenger: Good king, steel thy nerve. I bring a missive from Kenneth of Starr, the Grand Inquisitor.
Leer: Was ever a man as Starr-cross'd as I? Why does this man conspire to afflict me thus? My hand is unsteady. Read it to me.
Messenger: Let me see. He offers you his regards, blah, blah, blah, then doth subpoena you to appear at his chamber at Friday next, to forswear again that thou tookst no liberties with the Jones wench, who withdraweth not her claims against you.
Leer: I have already so sworn!
McCurry: It would seem, m'lord, that the woeful tale of Lady Willey rekindles old flames.
Leer: I kiss'd the woman on the forehead, as a sign of my regard. Never was a king so expos'd!
McCurry: Truer words were ne'er spoken.
Leer: I cannot think on't further. Leave me to my own counsel.
(Exeunt Messenger and McCurry)
Leer: To be forthright, or not to be forthright, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or just bag the whole thing and teach law at a junior college.
Courtier: My liege, you are late for an appointed meeting.
Leer: What's this?
Courtier: You were to interview a new assistant at the stroke of two. She seems most capable, and with rare intellect for one so young and fair.
Leer: Well, tell her I will see her anon, and on, and on.
Courtier: A most clever jest, my king.
Leer: Let us not tarry further.
(Exeunt Leer and courtier. Enter Buddy, from behind a chair)
Buddy: So dearest reader, I bid adieu.
Me seeth I have much to do.
And so it comes to this pretty pass
To see if the king doth get some ....
Dave Bamberg's Clinton Cartoons